So our anniversary was at the end of July and my Dad/Step-mom took our boys camping for a week out of state. They have done this before and our boys really enjoy the time (except for the lack of Internet...). We actually had sex two times, albeit not on our actual anniversary and not in the same day of course. I know I should have blogged about it shortly after it happened but it slipped my mind. Since it had been such a long time since our last sexual encounter I only lasted like 30 seconds. That's about all the detail I can recall about both times we had sex.
Here I am almost two months after our anniversary and we have not been intimate at all. In fact she sleeps on the couch most, if not all the time. I have asked her about it and all she has said is that she doesn't know why or that she doesn't want to wake me up when she gets up. But even on the weekends when we can sleep in she still sleeps on the couch. As far as any physical affection goes I get a peck on the lips or cheek with an "I love you". It just doesn't work for me. I need more. I want to feel desired by the woman I vowed to love for the rest of my life.
A few years back we got the five love languages book and I convinced her to fill out the questions. I was a tie between acts of service and physical love languages and she scored highest on words of affirmation. Since then I always try to make extra effort to listen, and engage in her conversations, I leave her notes complimenting her and telling her how much I appreciate the things she does. But I don't seem to get the same effort back from her. I frequent Reddit's Deadbedroom thread and have posted a time or two there but it was mostly just venting my frustration at the terrible situation that is a dead bedroom. Right now I feel like I am done with trying to fix any of it. Worn out from trying so hard and feeling like my wife doesn't give a damn. I feel confident that I will not accept pity/duty sex from her.
I start up my seasonal job next month and I am going to save as much money as I can in case I decide that I can't take it anymore. I first have to save up enough money to get my truck registered but California wants $1500 for it. Since we only have one other vehicle and she uses it for work I guess that will be my first priority once my checks start rolling in. I need to have a way of escaping this mess if it gets to be too much. I really don't want to leave my kids but I don't think that them seeing a relationship that is unloving is a good thing for them. I am filled with dread thinking that one day my boys might be in the same situation. I think about the advice I would give them and I always come back to the thought that if they were in the same boat as me I would tell them to leave. It isn't worth the time and effort when the other person doesn't care to try.
If we split up I would need to leave this city and probably state. The weather is mostly nice here in Cali (summers are too hot where I am though) but I have no friends or family here. My wife does and that is why we moved here. The area we are at has very litte computer related jobs and that is the field I am in. Before we ever moved I told my wife that if it wasn't working after 5 years that I would want to move. It has been 4 years since we moved here and I can tell it isn't working out. She has said that she does not want to move away and so it looks like I will be moving without her either way. So now I guess it is time to save up as much as I can to make this transition as smooth as possible.
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